The ramp is advertised as thus: 'Homeless People: Win a Home'. The details specify that to qualify you need to be a certified homeless person. The aim of competition is to clear the river, using a stolen BMX and the ramp provided. Anyone doing so will automatically win a brand new house in Shad Thames.
What is not advertised is the fact that an identical competition is being advertised and run on the other side of the bridge; with entrants being simultaneously set off up their respective ramps. Even if the tramps do manage to make it further than half way across the river - they will be confronted, mid-air, by another tramp attempting the same feat but in reverse. The resultant collision more often than not leading to the concussion and subsequent drowning of both tramps.
Asked what the point was of this cruel excersize, Esther Porkdrink responded: 'The homeless crisis has become simply intolerable. Now can I interest you in a hot pork beverage?'.
Glass Bottomed Zeppelin
The passenger area is a glass bottomed olympic sized swimming pool. On special occaisions the company operating the vessel have been known to fill the pool with eels. Goggles are advised as this aids the stunning underwater view from 8000ft as you do your lengths. A 30% discount is given with a valid Oyster Card (although not of the pre-pay variety).
Ramp Parts
The conversion of Tower Bridge into a massive two way ramp was the brainchild of Esther Porkdrink. The Porkdrinks of Portabello got their unusual name from the beverage that both made and lost the fortune of the family in the early 1600s. An early porcine alternative to rival Bovril; the drink proved very popular with city dwellers and travellers alike. The great fortune amassed through the selling of the hot porky beverage was suddenly lost in a spate of court cases in the late 1700s when it was discovered that the main ingredient wasn't pork at all - but rather the disgarded limbs of amputees.
The Queen Mary
The Queen Mary has been preparing for her maiden voyage for over 76 years. It's Captain, Cpt. Perseverance Brimshaw, is widely renouned as the most cautious seafarer of the last Century. Not actually ever having set off. Brimshaw oh Brimshaw, Perseverance Brimshaw, never there was such a cautious soul on the oceans seven. Never did he leave the shore, not once, not thrice, not ever! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bullingdon HQ
The former site of the mayoral office and now home to Boris Johnson, President of the Bullingdon Dining Club. The club, some 150 years old, is exclusively for males of extremely privileged backgrounds. The aim of the club is to book restaurants under false names, vomit in them, smash them up and then throw bundles of money at the owners is a show of utter derision. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Celeb Block H
The Home For Forgotten Stars was founded in the early 1970's by Child Performer and, later, Agent to the stars Ronnie Regale. Ronnie was a regular on the magic/canary circuit with some brief appearances on New Faces and other early televised talent shows in the late 50's and Early 60's. He later went on to become an Agent representing many talented child proteges. It was his shock at the destitution that most child celebs fell into once they were too old to get the gigs anymore, that lead Ronnie to establish this great riverside institution.
Inner Poverty
The Church Of The Lowest Common Denominator was founded in 1891 by Eugene Isinyew. A wealthy immigrant from Eastern Europe, Eugene was confounded upon moving to Great Britain with the sheer amount of selfishness and self obsession. The Church was set up as a mission to expose this and bring about social change.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~#
Have A Good Look
Major General Sir Henry Havelock cut his military teeth in the First Afghan war of 1839. An unmitigated disaster for the British Army; military intervention in Afghan was conducted as to secure the Empire's commercial interests in the region and instigated under a set of false pretences that fooled no one at the time. Sound familiar? Line Whitehall with massive brass statues of this Glorious Land's most famous serial killers and fraudsters! Let's construct a monument to celebrate our involvement in the slave trade!
Brave Bellot
TO THE INTREPID YOUNG / BELLOT / OF THE FRENCH NAVY / WHO IN THE ENDEAVOUR TO RESCUE / FRANKLIN / SHARED THE FATE AND THE GLORY / OF THAT ILLUSTRIOUS NAVIGATOR / FROM HIS BRITISH ADMIRERS / 1853 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wonky Oxo
This is the actual picture of the Oxo tower that I took on route to work. There has been no digital trickery, one can CLEARLY see the wonkiness of the tower and of the river. It all seems to slope downwards; an action that turns the general laws of physics on their head.
Tower or Not Tower.
Her Majesty's Royal Palace and Fortress The Tower of London. Founded in 1078 by William The Conqueror, the Tower was an actual royal residence until Oliver Cromwell. It is said that there have always been Ravens living at the Tower and if they were to leave the Tower would fall along with the Kingdom!
Real Greek
Not a great picture I'll admit, but great kebabs. I ate at The Reel Grek Souvlaki yesterday and it was tremendous. Grilled Octopus, Greek Salad, Lamb Kebabs all very authentic, all very delicious. It's the bread that does it.
Canadian Armada
Check out the 10 strong Gosling parade I spied on my way to work yesterday. Not so much goslings as teenagers. I wonder what the term is for a teenage Geese? Geeslings?
Thames Beach
You might not be able to make it out on this pic, but on the opposite bank is actually a beach. It's a man-made beach, by which I mean someone has dumped a load of industrial sand ontop of the usual Thames pebbles, clay pipes and river detritus.
Dogging At Doggetts
Doggett's Coat And Badge is the full name of this Southwalk pub. The name comes from Thomas Doggett who organised a boat race on the Thames, the winners of which would be awarded a coat and a badge. It's an ugly pub, but has a great location and currently a spectacular Perry on draft.
Summer's Here
This is the ramp down to Greenwich pier. On the river is 'Sun Clipper' turning into port. In the distance are the towers of Canary Wharf. Sun sun sun. Joy joy joy.
Steam And Mirrors
This is not an actual Mississippi Padle Streamer, it's just a replica called the 'Dixie Queen'. In fact, reportedly, a $10m conversion, that is now the largest cruising function boat on any UK waterway! Dixie Queen is also the name of a documentary about the North Carolinan drag scene.
Tower Power
I was waiting for the right day to take this picture. Today was right. The bridge is a combined bascule and suspension bridge. The Victorian Gothic style gives the bridge an appearance of being a lot older than it is, being opened in 1894.
Starbard View
The New Globe Theatre is a reconstruction of the original Globe Theatre in the same location at Bankside. The original was built in 1599, then destroyed by fire from a theatrical canon in 1613 and rebuilt in 1614. The Puritans closed it down in 1642. The interesting thing about the original Globe was that it was owed collectively by the actors who performed in it. Shakespeare himself owned a share; that dwindled throughout his career.
Street Art
This is a full size copy of Rubens' Samson and Delilah. It forms part of The National Gallery's Grand Tour project which puts pictures like this all over the West End and Covent Garden. http://www.thegrandtour.org.uk/ .
Ken's Den
City Hall is home to the Mayor of London, the London Assembly and the GLA, who in July 2002 became tenants of this striking rounded glass building on the south bank of the Thames near Tower Bridge. The building was designed by Foster and Partners, is 45m tall and has a glass front inclination of 31 degrees.
Ark Royal
This is the 5th Ark Royal of the British Royal Navy. She was launched in 1981 and was involved in the invasion of Iraq. An Invicible-Class light aircraft carrier, she is 210m long, 20,600 tons and can travel at 30+ knots. Her motto is 'Zeal Does Not Rest'.
Really Fucking Happy
This is a rather grey picture, taken this morning, of the Royal Festival Hall, Southbank. The RFH reopens this month after two years and £100m worth of investment. It was originally opened in 1951 as part of The Festival of Britain. It is now the official HQ of the 3.55 Club and host to a plethora of cultural events.
Captain Kidd
The Captain Kidd is a pub that occupies a C17th building but wasn't actually established until the1980's. It is named after William Kidd (1645-1701) the privateer/pirate who was eventually hanged at 'Execution Dock', Wapping. He was then 'gibbeted', which means his body was left to hang in an iron cage over the River Thames as a warning to other pirates!
Goslings A Go Go
Canada Geese are native to North America. They have naturally migrated to Europe, although they were initially introduced to Great Britain in the C17th as part of King James II's waterfowl collection in St James' Park. Canada Geese pair bond for life. This picture was taken at Bankside pier and comprises of 4 goslings and two adults, called a 'parade'.
Mum Boat
I spotted this boat at Masthouse Terrace Pier. It has the same name as my mum. The name 'Norma' also applies to a small constellation in the southern hemisphere near Lupus and Ara in the Milky Way. It is also the name of an opera of 1831 with music by Vincenzo Bellini. The words comes from the Latin meaning Model or Pattern.
Where Am Bridge?
This is the invisible Blackfriars bridge, designed by Joseph Cubitt and opened in 1864 to carry invisible trains to the (also now invisible) St Pauls station. The visible bridge next to it is called Blackfriars Bridge and only caters for visible trains going to Blackfriars Station (also visible).
Thames Behemoth
This is Pauline, she's from Luxembourg and she's massive. She's a roll-on/roll-off carrier and spent the weekend in Greenwich. Her signal letters are LXPO, signal letters or 'call sign' is a unique designation for a transmitting station, or in this case, a maritime vessel.
Don't Jump!
You can just make out 1 of Anthony Gormley's 31 life-size casts of himself, this one on the roof of the Savoy. The exhibition is called 'Event Horizon' and is in place until 19th August. There have been several calls to the police from panicked pedestrians believing them to be jumpers.
The River Filth
This is Wapping river Police Station, HQ of the Marine Support Unit, who used to be called The Thames Division. To us, they will always be The River Filth. There are 89 police officers that work the river with a fleet of 20 boats. The first marine police station opened in 1798. The River Filth are responsible for fishing out the 90 bodies that the Thames offers up each year (80% of which are suicides). Nice work.
I sunk your battleship!
A Town Class Cruiser, HMS Belfast has been damaged by a German mine, provided cover for Arctic convoys in WWII, helped sink Battlecruiser Scharnhorst, took part in Operation Tungsten to sink the Tirpitz and played a major part in the D-Day landings. She also served in the Korean war and the Far East before retiring in 1971 to become a museum ship. If HMS Belfast was a human she wouldn't be able to stand for the sheer weight of medals pinned on her chest.
Cleo's Needle
Not actually much to do with Cleopatra. This obelisk is one of three (the others are in Paris and NYC). They were origianlly erected in the city of Heliopolis by Thutmose III around 1450BC. This one was a present to the UK from Egypt in 1819 to celebrate Lord Nelson's victories in the Nile.
Run Aground
I've no idea who owns this boat or what it's for. I wonder about it every time I pass it. Does someone live there? Can I visit them? Perhaps I could come over and have a cup of tea. You could tell me all about living in an actual boat.
The Sun Sets In The West
The mandatory sunset shot. How many wasted, unwanted and undisplayed shots of various sunsets are there in the world. Everyone's done it. Even you.
The Lone House
The lone house standing within Southwark Park is the former premises of Braithwaite & Dean, Lightermen. Lightermen, by the way, worked aboard flat-bottomed barges called lighters, transferring goods between ships and quays. They eventually became obsolete due to changes in shipping technology. They shared a livery company with the watermen (who carried passengers) called the Company of Watermen and Lightermen.
It's behinde you...
The original Golden Hinde circumnavigated the globe between 1577 and 1580 captained by Sir Francis Drake. This replica built in 1973 has travelled a distance equal to 5 times around the globe. How far will the replica of that travel? Near this boat is a moss farm. That's right a farm that cultivates moss. It's behind the Thameside Inn; if you don't believe me go and have a look for yourself. .
Something's Afoot...
This is the Greenwhich side entrance to the Greenwich Foot Tunnel. It was opened in 1902, it contains 200,000 white tiles and it runs from Greenwhich to the Isle of Dogs. The origins of the name 'The Isle of dogs' is an enigma. Some believe it's a corruption of Isle Of Ducks, others because it's where Edward III kept his dogs.
Tate Blinkin Modern
The former Bankside Power Station designed by Sir Giles Gilbert Scott, converted to the Tate Modern Gallery in 2000 by architects Herzog & de Meuron (thx Carolyn). Don't you know.
The Return Journey
Oh god they sell wine and I have a mobile phone and I'm feeling profound and smug. My poor friends...
First Pic
I leave Greenwich pier for my first day back at work VIA BOAT! You can see a portion of the boat from the back deck, see boat specs here: www.thamesclippers.com/fleet/
1 comment:
mmm...porkdrink, whyever not!
Post a Comment