The Home For Forgotten Stars

Now nearing its 35th year, The Home For Forgotten Stars is in danger of becoming as forlorn and forgotten as its downtrodden residents. Its grubby concrete exterior only masks a shabby decaying interior. Stained, sticky carpets of indeterminate colour lead in every direction to 70's wallpaper of indecipherable design. These rooms display all the signs of retrenchment; a palace of terminal decay, its sad inhabitants in a state of irreversible decline.

Rocking back and forth are an array of ex-Eastenders and ex-Grange Hill actors who all tend to congregate, violently spitting out occasional mockney lines; 'I toldya girwlsa awl cheats din-I Robo' blurts out Robert Kenly who played '6th Form Boy' to Neil Rogers, or 'Robo' as he was then, and is still, referred to.

In the darker recesses of the building, through reinforced Plexiglas portholes, you can sometimes hear the murmurings of Doctor Who scripts, sometimes a line from 'Rentaghost' and if you're really lucky the mad soliloquies of Gary Coleman.

The Church of The Lowest Common Denominator

The founding principal of the Church is to emulate the life of the poorest and most destitute that you are aware of. In the late C19th it was the rural poor of Scotland or an urban destitute of London's East End that Eugene and his flock emulated. In today's age of global communication the subject of the church's devoted assimilation are the most miserable denizens of Somalian refugee camps.

With literally nothing except, ironically, the grand Victorian river-front palace in which they abide, the 'LCDs' suffer terrible hunger, thirst and health problems for their faith. Many suffer from Kwashiorkor (swelling of the abdomen due to severe protein malnutrition).

The more fundamentalist of the Church have been known to hire London thugs from the local underworld to 'act' as Janweed Militia and occaisionally raid the Church beating and subjugating the congregation.