Tramp Ramp Scam

The ramp is advertised as thus: 'Homeless People: Win a Home'. The details specify that to qualify you need to be a certified homeless person. The aim of competition is to clear the river, using a stolen BMX and the ramp provided. Anyone doing so will automatically win a brand new house in Shad Thames.

What is not advertised is the fact that an identical competition is being advertised and run on the other side of the bridge; with entrants being simultaneously set off up their respective ramps. Even if the tramps do manage to make it further than half way across the river - they will be confronted, mid-air, by another tramp attempting the same feat but in reverse. The resultant collision more often than not leading to the concussion and subsequent drowning of both tramps.

Asked what the point was of this cruel excersize, Esther Porkdrink responded: 'The homeless crisis has become simply intolerable. Now can I interest you in a hot pork beverage?'.

Fail To Plan, Plan To Sail.

Captain Perseverance Brimshaw is now almost 95 years old. He started planning his maiden voyage aboard the Queen Mary in 1935 at the fair age of 22. All throughout his childhood Perseverance was an impeccable planner. It is a miracle that he ever actually made it through school as he would regularly plan the contents of his bag and pencil case with such microscopic precision that his gargantuan organisational effort would take all night and he would often only leave the house after being carted out by the family's long suffering butler, Smithers.

His self-funded maiden voyage aboard the Queen Mary was going to be no exception. If he really was going to be the first nautical expedition to circumnavigate South Amercia, through the Panama Canal and round Cape Horn, unaided, unstopping and powered entirely by steam; then he was going to plan every last detail and the details of every detail ad infinitum in a Zeno like marathon of analysis.

And so the planning continues and, unbeknownst to Perseverance, the top deck of the boat has since been converted into a bar that is regularly frequented by tourists, Asians and middle managers.

Bullingdon Boris

The Mayor of London, the London Assembly and the Greater London Authority were established by the passing of the Greater London Authority Act 1999. The Mayor and the London Assembly constituted a unique form of strategic citywide government for London with governance over an £11bn budget and responsibilities for areas such as policing, housing, the environment and transport.

Then on Monday 5th May, Boris Johnson took over, voted in by a mainly drunk, stoned, mentally ill or absent London electorate. He immediately fired all 700 civil servants and instead installed his very own hand picked committee of 10 Old Etonions; including Ralph Perry-Florquin Le Moule Rothschild (Chief Champagne Officer); Sebastian Prigg 3rd Baron of Altrincham (Master Of Ceremonies); William The Conqueror (Caretaker) and 'Picaninny' (a Chihuahua owned by Tara Palmer-Tomkinson responsible for Policing and Boat Races).

Talking about the election victory party Boris commented: "The party ended up with a number of us crawling on all fours through the hedges of the botanical gardens, and trying to escape police dogs ... once we were in the cells we became pathetic namby-pambies."